Its been 3 days since I had a proper dump in the toilet... (read: shit!) I've been drinking fruit juice to try to help things along. (Pun intended!) I think its sort of caused by the anti-diarrhea medicine I took when I had stomach flu. When I was taking the medicine, I thought it wasn't working. Now, its working too well...
Just came back from a late evening swim... Kinda relaxing to swim at night. The only problem was I couldn't see where I was swimming without goggles. In the day, I can still make out where I'm going by opening my eyes underwater. But at night, its harder to see objects like the wall and to estimate the distance, so I start panicking because I'm afraid of hitting the wall... Had to go up to borrow goggles from Yvette.
Went to watch I, robot with Dale & Yvette in the evening... Its a good show! I thought it asked meaningful questions about things like purpose in life and loving our creator. Good show for future Movie MagiXS. :D
I would rate it 4 out of 5!!!
Spent the afternoon with Lynette today. Went shopping for airline tickets to Chiang Mai at People's Park in Chinatown... Realised quickly that flights by Thai Airways was sold out and flights by silkair were selling out quickly. So we decided to call Jeremy to book the flights through AirAsia... We managed to get our tickets for a cheaper price but not without a lot of trouble and a lot of phone calls! Kudos to Jeremy for his patience and willingness to help!!! :D
Gotta go sleep soon. Hafta wake up at 5:30am... Sending Nathan into army and we having breakfast at Raimah...
I apologise in advance if I start rambling in this post. I can't seem to think straight. Haven't been eating much these few days and its beginning to show. Lost weight already. I'm getting skinny again... (People will say, "When were you ever not skinny???) But I thank God that I'm recovering.
The things that happened today made me look back and think through my own expectations. I've realised that I spot other people's mistakes almost immediately. Not like I'm intentionally on the look out for these mistakes but just so that I can let them know about it. So quick to pick on others. I could be ignorant of my own shortcomings staring in my face. My sister says that the best way is to listen out to what God tells you. He'll let you know if you're screwing up. But only if you're listening...
So am I listening?
Not all the time... For one thing, listening takes a quiet heart free of distractions. And my mind on the other hand wants distractions like a kid wants candy. Even when I have nothing else to do, and the only thing left to do is to sit with God and read the bible. My mind will conveniently 'overlook' that option. Probably to sit at the computer reading or playing computer games or flipping through the dozens of channels on the television. I'll get to it tonight.
I have this exercise book where I used to jot down my ex-girlfriend's SMSes... Stumbled across it when I was looking for something to read in my bookshelf. Anyway, all the SMSes that meant something to me were written in there along with the date and time. (There were alot of them!) I was reading through some of the messages and it reminded me of why I was so afraid when I broke up with her. I was afraid that I'll never be loved the way she portrayed in those messages ever again. The way she reassured me of her love and the way she encouraged me to strive after God. Can it be found again? Or was it a fluke in the massive plan of the universe that was righted after we broke up? Dare I suggest that it was a fluke in God's plan? Or more likely my impatience in finding a girlfriend?
I'm told and I believe that God's plan has in store a better partner for me. But a part of me dreads that in a totally selfish way. Will she be what I expected? Will she fit my impression of 'better'? So many questions again! But the answer remains the same.
Managed to go for John & Debbie's wedding dinner last night. Managed to eat some food. Still recovering from stomach flu. The atmosphere was a bit subdued though... Maybe because of the mix of people from UK and people from Singapore... Cultural differences? Hahaha!!! The UK people kept toasting to every single person and kept making this poor boy stand up and sit down.
I dropped by to esplanade to see Electrico play at the arena. Had time to burn while waiting for the wedding dinner to start. I think the people there were quite to see some guy dressed in formal wear strolling around the place. Bought the survival pack for $20...
Parents left for overseas this morning. Can't remember whether they're going UK or Australia... Hahaha.
Hmm... Today was a horrible day... Had a viral infection in my tummy... So my body decided to empty my stomach of all material. From both ends. Not a very pleasant experience. Haven't been this ill in ages. I wonder what I ate... Thank God I'm feeling better now. Missed Debbie's wedding ceremony though. Praying that I'll be well in time for the dinner tomorrow.
Took this quiz from Aaron's blog... I agree with my results totally!!! HAHAHA!!!
Baybeats 2004...
Reached there in time for the last band... Standard Screamo band... Nothing fantastic at all... Looking forward to tomorrow. Better lineup!
A Vacant Affair will be distributing their re-recorded single, "How About Enough?" tomorrow. So look out for us to get a copy!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
That final stretch home always brings memories
Thoughts that contradict the resolutions I've made
They've moved on, they've lived their lives
And here I am, wandering, clinging to yesterday
To dreams I've dreamt and wishes that went
Unfulfilled, Unattained
To questions I've asked and love I've lost
Unanswered, Rejected...
I return to you...
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Watched spiderman 2... Its much too emo! Left me speechless many times... I was wondering why Dashboard Confessional did a song for the soundtrack. Now I know...
Took number 7 home. Its been awhile since I've enjoyed a good long bus ride. Reflecting on what I've become these few months. All I can say is that I'm getting more and more imperfect. I don't know if its a gradual realisation of what I've been all along or its a journey I'm on after picking up new things. And its leaving me hugely unsatisfied... Usually people get better at life as time goes by. Armed with more experience, they tackle the unknown with a quiet confidence. But me... I'm carried along kicking and screaming...
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Back and forth, on it goes
Never stopping, it flows through
The pathway, lined with bodies
Burning the excess fat
But the useless mass lies in the head
It creates and then cripples,
Entrances and then terrifies,
This is the new, this is the time
Be very quiet, not a sound
As the tinkle of glass pierces
It cuts the air like a machete
And its whistle unfurls the intent
While a single tear traverses
Down the curves of her cheek
Undaunted by creases in her smile
This is the time, this is the age
As lips touch, heaven unleashed
In the seconds that take years to arrive
Parallels that will never meet
Will there ever be closure
Is this simply a travesty of love?
A mockery of the great sacrifice?
A hope given only to be taken away?
Is this the end? Will there ever be?
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Wahey... I'm emo.
Emo! You're very in touch with your emotions and
that's what I like about you! It's all about
the music for you... I have pity for your
tortured soul...you're just like me...
What genre of rock are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
For everytime I've given in, there's always regret
For even the slightest whim, its there to distract
Its like aiming with my weaker eye and hoping to hit
These man-made signs lead you, they try to make you stupid
Sitting by the stairs leading to the unknown
But I need some help, can't make it on my own
Need some time to make up my mind,
to wait for that empty touch
the sun will come
its time to march, its time to march on
I need a way to destroy myself
to burn myself, to murder me
I can no longer be who you want me to be
And I can no longer go back to the way i was before
Not anymore...
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Hooray... Its been a very long day. Sang backup for worship in the first and second service. Got good comments from a few people. I'm glad! I'm glad that some people really managed to meet God in the worship.
The double act is trying to make its way back. And I'm trying to let it. Yes... trying... Cos my Spirit's not letting me just do it. And I'm glad it doesn't.
Keith got the 3 CDs for me. I wished I could order CDs from the US every other week... Had a family reunion dinner at Aunt Juling's house tonight. Good to see everyone in good health. I shall retire to bed soon... Got to much on my mind to stay up!
What a day!!! What a match!!! Charis MC's first win in I dunno how long!! Final score 3-1!
Credit goes to the team from Paya Lebar! They put up a tough fight in the first half and Charis MC was pushed back for long periods of time. When CMC did get a chance to attack, borrowed defender, Jianping, was there to put out any danger. Both teams struggled to find their rhythm in the first half but it was a rare error by Jianping that led to CMC's first goal. The ball was going back to the keeper when the solid defender put the ball in his own net. CMC had more chances to increase the lead with former team captain, Raymond hitting the bar with a almost-perfect freekick. So thats how the score stayed... 1-0 to CMC at half time...
The 2nd half saw changes made to CMC's attack. Daryl replaced Jean Francois at right midfield, Jeremy Wee replace Joel Ong in attack and Amos Wee replaced Dennis as defensive midfield. New import 'KC' also made a big impact as leftback. These changes seemed to bring life to Charis MC's attack as they continued to pile the pressure. This was evident in the many corner kicks that PLMC gave away. Many chances were squandered much to the displeasure of most of the players, but none as evident as CMC captain, Daryl. However, from a corner taken by Daryl, the ball was delivered into the center of the box where it was powered home by CMC's experimental striker, Liwei. 2-0 to CMC!
CMC seemed to grow in confidence and Nathan and Raymond were having a field day making experimental changes to the side... Another experimental striker, Dennis, had a chance to make it 3-0 when he muscled his way into the box. With one defender left in his wake and another struggling to keep up, you would put your money on Dennis to finish the move. But the bulky man was put off by the keeper coming off his line and smashed his shot into the crossbar! More chances continued to come but CMC did not managed to finish them. One humourous example was when Jianping and Jeremy Wee got in each others way and Jianping was left kicking air. Jeremy Wee did well in his first outing in CMC colours as he used his blistering pace to good effect. The young Abel Gan also did well to impress the team with his calmness under pressure at right back.
After another failed attacking move by CMC, the players were getting back into position when the keeper gave a poor pass to one of his players. Daryl, seeing the opportunity, pressured and won the ball from the defender and but slightly overhit it towards the opponent's centreback. With determination, he managed to charge down the ball and run towards the opponents goal. Having to keep balance to prevent himself from being forced wide and seeing the keeper charge out, he managed to keep possession and finally flick the ball past the hapless keeper for the 3rd goal of the game sealing CMC's win.
PLMC managed to get a consolation goal when CMC started an all out attack and was caught open at the back. But it was too little too late for the plucky side. It would seem that a lack of subsitutes was the reason for PLMC's downfall. Lets hope that the 2nd leg will be better.
I don't know who made the time slow down!!! I've been up since 7-ish... Lying in bed looking at my phone waiting for it to turn 9. Then when I go back to sleep for what seems to be a few hours and wake up, only 15 minutes have past. It kep happening till 9:25am when i got out of bed. Time slows down when you're looking forward to something... :P
Prayed for the match and the people too... I prayed that the weather would stay cool and that the match will be played in good spirit. Hopefully this will be an avenue to invite new friends to come.
Going to wash up and prepare now... We shall WIN!!!
My head has been hurting... I've been thinking about certain things much too much. Especially since I wake up at 9 every morning when the sun shines into my room. It pierces the back of my brain and reminds me what I was thinking of the night before... Makes me very tired in the mornings.
But I'm glad I get to spend some time with God in the afternoons... This afternoon my mom and I went to do our hair. It was at her friend's house. Sort of a home salon. I dyed, highlighted & trimmed my hair for 60 bucks. I think its value for money. Kinda striking now. I guess its nice lah. :P
I had to endure 45 minutes of burning scalp for it...
Just finalised the location for this saturday's soccer match. Charis MC. vs Paya Lebar MC. We should be playing at Marina South at 1pm on saturday. Really looking forward to it. The thought of running with a ball at my feet along the stretch of grass just makes my heart race! No disrespect to Paya Lebar but I think that we have a chance of winning this game. Finally this will be our hour of glory!!!
::: Quote of the Day :::
Most of the great art in the world is about that very problem
Good looking people, they got no spines
Their art never lasts... And (yet) they get the girls
But we're smarter
Thats what the great art is about
The guilt and the longing
Love to these guys is sex
and sex to these guys is love
| From the movie 'Almost Famous' |
A couple of questions that Andy posted on the XS forum
Questions that may even shake the deepest foundation of our faith....
Why are you so sure that what we believe in is for real?
and
If we 1st believe in Christ for the sake of fearing eternal death and by believing in Him we are saved... does'nt that mean we are believing it for our own good? Is that not selfish?
Why am I so sure?
Well, we humans are strange things. We need evidence or proof that God exists. Whereas in Christianity, a lot of the spiritual lessons that we need to learn requires something called faith. Somethings just don't work without it. Theres the crux of the problem. On one hand, we want evidential proof that God exists and that He'll actually do what He promises in the bible. On the other, the bible says that these things have been given to us and simply requires our faith to work. So how? Many people can't get past this hurdle. Sometimes because of obstacles that have been put in our way such as doubts or temptations.
I'm sure because God has not let me down. He's been there for me when I couldn't help myself. When I hung out with the wrong company and did all sorts of crap in secondary school, He still ran to me when I called out to Him. When I failed my first year at poly, He guided me and gave me back my self worth. When I was crushed by a bad breakup he pieced me back together. Time and time again, He's been there for me when I couldn't help myself. Even if it was I who chose to do wrong in the first place. He always bailed me out. After all the times I went through hell, making bad decision and basically being the biggest fool. (Because of the shit I put others through)
There came a point in time where I didn't want to be without Him anymore. I didn't want to go through life making the same mistakes to different people. I didn't want to go through life aimlessly any longer.
I guess being born into a Christian family and being a 4th generation Christian has its priviledges. I sort of knew how to talk to God already and how to turn to Him when things went wrong. So I dedicated my life to Him and put whatever was left of my miserable life into His hands and said, "Here... Take this. Use it however you like but I don't know whether it'll be any good. Its broken."
He did use me and I believe He'll continue to use me to achieve much greater things! He has not failed me ever since I've given my life to Him. My life, being guided by Him, has been generally a smooth one. Not without incident, but all manageable and bearable because He's with me.
But why am I so sure? He is just like a friend whom I can converse with. He tells me things and when I obey, things ALWAYS turn out right in the end. He provides for every need that I have. He's opened doors and made opportunities available for me. Such that I have such an enjoyable time serving Him. All I can say is that with God, you have to make the step of faith to really see Him. And I'm glad that He reveals Himself to me in this way... Bit by bit... Cos I treasure what I discover more! And I grow to love Him more.
Are we being selfish by believing in Him initially for salvation?
Well... Let me put it this way. If your best pal bought you a country club membership. And offered to you citing the benefits that the club offered, would you be selfish to accept the membership? Does that mean that since we want the benefits, we're having selfish motives? Its been bought, its been given. All we have to do is accept!!!
Of course naturally we have to move on from just collecting the benefits to finding ways to bless others as well... Its only selfish when we continue just to think about how to gain from the 'membership'.
I don't know if I've answered the questions at all... Just wrote the thoughts that came to mind when I read the questions. I like question that make me think about the faith. Chances are I've thought through them before. Oh... And another reason why I belive? Because I've consicously tried to doubt it before. I've tried to find the smallest reason to stop beliving and with my limited intellect I couldn't. Having said that, even geniuses like C.S. Lewis believed after constant questioning.
Played for service today. Got into the right mode of worship quite easily. Played more comfortably too. Trying to play and improve at the same time is quite difficult but I'll keep trying. I'm beginning to question the sermons coming from the pulpit... Maybe its a lull.
I sang backup for todays worship practice... The singing was alright. Had a little trouble with the harmony because it meant singing higher than the melody. So I had to strain a little to hit the notes.
Had new musicians so it was a little tedious during practice. But its something we have to endure if we're to encourage new musicians to step up. Praying for more musicians to come. We need them.
::: Thought of the Day :::
I want to...
But should I?
As far as I see...
It won't get anywhere...
Good evening... I just got back from supper... Only had one chicken wing. Didn't have much of an appetite. The performance at PLMC was good but I kinda screwed up in the 2nd song. Wahahaha... Nevermind. The bands did pretty well... Was disappointed by the 2nd band. They did so well during the practices and impressed me so much but sounded pretty tame during the actual thing. Sonicedge as usual, blew me away with their tightness, loudness and amazing desire to worship God with every movement and every note. It was beautiful...
So beautiful...
I'm wary.
So ugly
I'm weary...
I had a nice talk with Josephine before the concert started. Shared about my direction and what I wanted to achieve in life. And she shared about how God has been taking care of her in her life. And how, in her independence, she had to depend solely on God. And God carried her through.
Dear Lord, how can I compare? People better than me, more effective than me in every aspect that I wish to serve you in. You don't require the best I know... Just my best. But I think there's something about being the best and then giving that to you? I don't know, Lord. But this is something I want to do for you. I pray that you'll open doors for me to learn. That there will opportunities for me to improve myself. Cos I know Lord, I'm not satisfied with what I'm offering. I want to be more effective for you. I don't know if there's such a thing as being selfless for personal glory but I pray that I'm not doing that.
::: Song of the Day :::
Oh my God
I've been waiting for you all of my life
The trees are tired from breathing
Sharks keep moving never stopping
Sharks keep moving on
Cut out my eyes
to spite my heart
Wish for sleep but never stopping
Assignments pile up.
| further seems forever - Aurora Borealis (In Long Form) |
Surely there will be someone. Surely? Or are my expectations filtering every other person out? Until nothing comes through... Is it me who needs to change my expectations? Or is it a matter of excercising faith?
I've found out something else about what I like. Innocence, a desire to learn, a desire for the duality of God's work... Both the simplicity & complexity of it. Is it really that impossible?
And I better watch myself again. To make myself worth it... Does every girl stop learning at 18? Do their desires change so greatly at that age? Is there no one like me? No one who refuses to obey the world? Or has a desire to serve God? Maybe I changed too early? Maybe I got my eyes opened sooner than anyone else? Maybe by some divine accident, I've been jolted awake 4 or 5 years too early? Like waking up in the middle of the night and not being able to go back to sleep.
Is my trusting God just a cover for not wanting to do things by myself? A diversion for laziness? If it was, I would just be walking into the pit of death. Maybe this isn't how things work... Maybe one must have the ability to give up their qualifications (diplomas, degrees, masters, doctorates) and a stable job to be considered useful for the Kingdom of God. People like me who no longer see a need to chase after these worthless things are of a lower standard in His service... Cos thats how I feel I'm treated.
I CANNOT SERVE GOD!!!
Why?
BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE THE MEANS TO...
Oh boohoo... thats your problem my dear boy.
And I feel as if I'm just a immature little punk who doesn't know what he's getting himself into. I feel like the little boy who gets his hair ruffled by a proud uncle who chuckles to himself, "How cute" and hands him a dollar for making him laugh. And the worst thing? I feel as if I've said all this before... As if I'm being put on repeat in a CD player. And tomorrow, it won't matter. Because no one pays attention to the punk with earrings. Cos he doesn't know what he's talking about. He is just a classic example of the 'young people' which are polluting our society. It seems that how I look matters to you more than it does to me, doesn't it?
There's nothing keeping me here except committment to several people that I feel a need to be with. I feel a responsibility for them. Because with this glass ceiling, I can never move up. If I can't get what I want, thats bad enough. But not being able to do what I want to do for God, thats worse...
But its still what I want to do... Sigh...
Hello world... Before I begin, please banish all thoughts about pride and egoism. This is not what this entry is about. And I don't claim that what I say about myself is true. But don't miss the point.
Is it enough to be good at the things you do? I've been blessed with ability to do certain things well... But these things by themselves don't mean a thing. So what if you can play soccer better than anyone in church? Who cares if you're good at playing the drums? So what if people think you have a nice voice or can write nice lyrics? Who actually gives a damn whether or not you dance better than the people at PLMC? All these doesn't matter... And why not? Because there'll always be someone better...
But you're different! You're doing this for God!
And I could rattle off names of people who are doing more for Him and giving more to Him. And they don't look for recognition... Or they manage to put down seeking recognition. So are my motives pure? Or do I have a secret desire for fame? Maybe I like the attention... Or maybe its the thrill of getting compliments. I don't know what it is. But I do know that God has blessed me with another thing. The mundanity of it all without Him in the center... The self-seeking thrill will not last. The climax will be short-lived just like every other worldly passion. And I'm relieved it does. I really am...
But there is another passion I have which distracts... Another passion which could take the place of my One True Love. And it almost would if it wasn't so damn foolish. If it wasn't so... unrealistic. Not in a hopeless romantic way, but unrealistic in a practical way. Can anyone say 'déjà vu'?
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Take Time to Find
Love and reality alternate
Taking turns to drive
I'll accept this, my cruel fate
While I wait for her to arrive
This seems to be the perfect plan
But soon I realise
The more I look, the less fate's hand
will bring us to collide
And because chance plays no part
In the game of life
decisions and choices of the heart
must not be made with the mind
And so my will is set
and I put my best foot forward
But faith seems to be short lived
And I whimper like a coward
Time takes twice as long
when you're waiting for her to grow
Be strong, you cannot be wrong
This many times in a row
Fear of the unknown and unseen
can drive a man mad
Especially if someone else might win
a woman's favour is not to be shared
So as the wise men always say
The best is yet to come
I strive on, her love I crave
The journey has begun
Reminded constantly to keep in step
with the one who made this path
You're not ready, not quite yet
Still a diamond in the rough
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
A little boy made my day today. I was walking out to the mrt and the pre-schoolers were having some activity at the sepak takraw court. Then as I glanced at them, this little boy waved at me and smiled the sweetest smile you can ever imagine. Of course, I waved back and flashed him a big grin. And he gave me an even bigger smile. I pray that when I have a child, he'll be as pleasant and friendly as the one I met today.
Woke up and spent quite a while reading 'The Body Thief' by Anne Rice... Almost can't put it down since I started reading it a few days ago. Interesting to read about how many theories about God she can come up with. All of them are not true though. Romanticising evil...
Went down to town to meet up with Fad to get my bible back... Or should I say to finally get my bible back. I really don't know whats up with Nurul. I've been asking for it for several months already. Anyway, enough of half-baked excuses... I'm glad I got my New King James back. Had to hang around town for a couple of hours though cos Fad had gone to watch a movie. So I got off at Plaza Singapura and had a late lunch at burger king. Then looked around in trumpet praise. Its almost a custom to go there whenever I head to plaza singapura...
Started walking to cineleisure in somerset but when I got there, Fad hadn't called so I stumbled into Heeren to take a look at CDs. But not before I had made a pitstop at the restroom. (Really needed it!) Looked around HMV for quite a while but I couldn't find anything nice except Funeral For A Friend... Decided to get it because all the new CDs aren't out in Singapore yet. I'm asking Keith to get 3 new albums for me from US before he comes back... Hopefully he'll be able to find those albums.
Kinda packed day tomorrow. Portugal vs Holland at 2:45am. Family coming back at around 4:15 in the afternoon.. Dance Practice at 6:30... Oh yah! Need to call michelle about the costume...
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
The glitter in these words.
They remind me.
The guilty tendencies.
They chide me.
These fragile words
They mean nothing, nothing
The moon smiles.
And I bask in her beauty.
Dressed in purple and white
While a radiance hugs your skin
And because of the tune you're singing.
Its leaves my ears ringing.
And your intentions are like glass.
Won't you break them for me?
Won't you just break me?
And i try to let these thoughts slide from you,
but you just won't let me,
so i made this journey away from the years I' ve wasted.
I shouldn't have waited for you.
I can still feel the breeze
from the way you walked passed me.
And your trail leaves a fire that burns through my soul.
Like a hole
Where hurts fall.
You don't know
if we might have made it at all.
Take the wheel. (No condemnation.)
Run me over. (No more patience)
How i'm feeling. (Take me over)
Doesn't matter. (Doesn't matter)
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Been staying up till 5 or 6 in the morning the past few days to watch Euro 2004 matches. Leaves me waking up at around 12 noon with a buzzing in my head... Felt good to go back to worship in Charis this morning. I missed the family bonding in our congregation. Although worship was a little bit distracting, I enjoyed the service. Pastor Louis spoke today and from his past few sermons, I find that he is very focused on current issues and isn't afraid to speak out. But his sermons isn't much like a teaching but rather like a father disciplining a child. It isn't wrong but I feel it has to go hand in hand with good teaching on the bible.
Scribbled a few thoughts on love nearing the end of the sermon.
First love? Romance? These are all well & good. But its not what makes a relationship tick. its the same with BGRs, marriages and our relationship with God. When the honeymoon period ends, it means something!! It means we have to grow up & move on to the next step of the relationship. Into one thats not dependent on the way you feel. One that doesn't depend on the feeling of romance. Love is so much more than a feeling. Its a commitment, a dedication of your life involving perseverance & sacrifice.
But what some people think about love appalls me. Love ceases when the feeling ceases. It means they no longer love their partner. It means its time to move on to find another partner who can give them that flighty 'butterflies-in-the-stomach' feeling. Cos if they decide to stay with their present partner, its denying and lying to themselves...
The Good thing about God is that He's the perfect partner. The relationship is only dependent on us. Because He understands us, loves us and cares of us more than we could for ourselves. However in a life partner, more of than than not, both parties have selfish thinking. When I say selfish, I don't mean its a conscious intention to be selfish. We do many things that we don't realise. Anyway, thats why the best thing to do is to focus on our relationship with God. Because He's so perfect. We can focus on developing ourselves. I don't know if it would work for sure in a real-life scenario, but I believe it might...
Thats where I got to when the sermon ended... Blabber blabber. It might be the lack of sleep.
We (Xiong, Joe, Vincent, Gerald and myself) went to visit Thomson at Singapore General Hospital. Spent quite a while there talking and encouraging him. Well they did, I was too tired to do or say anything. Watched him go through 3 packs of platelets. Prayed for him after that. There was this old man who was in the next bed who went 'Amen' when we finished praying. Starting talking to him and prayed for him as well. My gosh, his faith was amazing. Dear Lord, you and your word says that its by our faith. And Lord by that man's faith he should be healed... No exceptions right?
Dale's back home... Not so lonely at home now.
Restraint...
So that by the time I do get there, it might be the right time.
Or I might not dig her anymore.
Or she might not dig me anymore.
Come to think of it. Have I ever restrained myself?
I'm home alone... Such a big house to myself. Not that I even move out of the living room though. Went out with the band and Pam to have Katong Laksa just now. Its good to see them again. Missed the nonsense!!! :D Went to parkway after that and when they left, I went shopping by myself. Bought a pair of earphones and some cologne. What?!? Can't guys splurge on themselves?
Missed being alone. Got to face my thoughts and think about things. Began to think about what I was doing with my life. Felt quite proud to be all alone in Singapore taking care of myself. But then it dawned on me that I'm still relying on pocket money from my parents. I'm 21 years old and I'm still relying on pocket money.
It would be about 6 years before I finish my equipping time. 6 years before I can even think about having a stable income. Thats assuming that I'll be working in a stable job. Of course there'll be army allowance and part time jobs here and there. But would it be enough? Will I ever have enough to get through daily expenses like food and transport. The tuition fees for Rhema Bible Training Center. I thank God that I have a roof over my head and a good family. But sooner or later there'll be a crunch time. Dear God, will I dare rely on you then? Or will I be struggling to make ends meet?
Things go to hell when I try to pick up the pieces. Why do I keep insisting on my own way? As if I could do better than You. I'm trying to be an obedient jigsaw puzzle.
Bathed Spunky just now. He's been wiping himself on the foot mat for the past 15 minutes... How cute! Cleaned his toilet area too... There's a lesson be learnt somewhere here. Hahaha!
Was checking my school email account... Stumbled across my values reflection that I had to submit for some subject (APEL). Just thought I'd post it for memories sake...
Throughout my twenty one years of my life, I have experienced many things and met many types of people. While participating in all these activities, be it in school or organized by my church, I have found out that there are many different types of people with many different types of characters. In addition to this, I have also gained much experience in working with these people. Through these activities, I have also learnt more about myself and the things I am good at. For example, I now understand that in doing projects, I am apprehensive of trying things that are new. But at the same time, once I have had experience in doing these things, I become more confident and I am able to experiment new and better methods of doing them.
I believe that my journey in Temasek Polytechnic has been one that has changed my way of thinking as well as the way I view the world. When I first came to Temasek Polytechnic in the year 2000, I was still immature in my thinking, naïve in my thoughts and confused about my purpose in life. Being the way I was, I found it difficult to study and do my work without the constant 'hounding' that I would usually get in secondary school. This was due to the new found 'freedom' I had in polytechnic. Whether I wanted to learn depended entirely on myself.
Unfortunately, I did not realize this quick enough. I failed my first year miserably because of my lack of motivation and discipline. I almost could not even repeat the year because of how badly I did in the exams. But after sending in a letter of appeal, I got my second chance. Through this experience, I feel that I have not put that chance to waste. I started to work hard and tried my best in everything I had to do.
Through serving in my church, I have realised that I don't get same satisfaction of giving through any other means. Whether it be organizing events for the youth or serving in the music ministry, I know that people can only be truly happy if they are giving. A clear example was when I was in the organising committee for a youth camp. Working under a deadline and tight budget required us to be innovative and imaginative in coming up with an attractive camp programme. It also required all of us to exercise patience with one another. We also had to chip in to help one another in areas that were not under our list of responsibilities. But because of the willingness to help each other, the camp was a success.
I find the following verses from the bible really meaningful. It speaks of seeking for wisdom and what it can do for you. I feel that in everything that I've done, whether for my studies, for my church, for enjoyment or just for fun, that deciding to do the right thing is the most important. And that it will be the single most important factor in the decisions of my life.
If you turn your ear to wisdom... ...Then you will understand what is right and just and fair as well as every good path. For wisdom will enter your heart, and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul. Discretion will protect you, and understanding will guard you. [Book of Proverbs Chapter 2 verse 9-11]
I think that I will continue to learn much more after I graduate from Temasek Polytechnic. I look forward to more experiences like the ones I have gone through. Even the ones that were not so pleasant because its true when they say, 'What does not kill you will only make you stronger.
You know you're screwed when you feel bad for being yourself.
You know there's no future if you can't accept something that isn't wrong.
And you know that if you can't accept it, then this is the right way to go.
But you know it doesn't have to be like that.
Going to fetch my parents from the airport. I hope the house is in an acceptable condition.
The Mental Torment
I couldn't sleep... because I think I have found her. I have to put her away now because as with all missions, it ain't over till you've completed all of it. This last part is the most crucial. Because my whole life will depend on it.
Do not make a move, do not raise your voices, do not say a word.
Until the day I tell you to.
Then do it!
I don't want to come back here, to this place.
It's a cold that only comes from blaming yourself for two decades wasted.
And I don't want to come back here, to this place.
When it all just repeats in my head again, and I cannot stop it.
And the pavement is still warm from the tires.
I can still feel the fright that the night brings.
Every song that you'd sing.
And I won't ever come back here to this place.
All I ever do is picture you smiling, and then picture you leaving.
And the glass in the trees, and all you left here,
Reflects everything that I missed.
Slow down.
I'll try and make it up to you.
They've cut down the trees to try to forget you.
But I took a vow to never forget you.
If you're still here, then we're waiting.
We'll wait for you to come back home to the broken little foes.
Until the guilt grows and grows.
When the time that's wasted comes back to haunt me.
And I'll deserve every bit. because I'm not spiritual yet.
I'm just reading the lines they gave me from the pulpit.
And it's not fading off, we remember the years.
As we sift through the laughter to find all the tears.
And I'm not worthy of grievance, I did nothing to prevent this.
And standing at your grave, I could have caused this.
| Dead Poetic - Glass in the Trees |
Been thinking back over the past week. Over what I've experienced over with the paya lebar methodist people... Interesting to note that the way things are done are different from the way we do things. Most of their methods and procedures are alot better than ours. But I still believe that Charis is where I'll stay. One outstanding thing I'd like to note is our worship ministry. I believe that we've come further in that aspect than most other churches. Most improved worship award? Haha...
I'm not trying to compare to say which church is better but I just think that there are things which we can learn. Especially in terms of encouragement and edification. Over there, they are not afraid to give an encouraging word. I'm not saying that they kiss one another's asses. (They do tell you if you suck!) But they do it in a loving way.
The Christian walk is a tough one. And one of the responsibilities of the church is to spur one another on. Why is it we've started thinking that by encouraging a brother or sister in Christ, we are inflating their ego? Why have we perverted what the Word of God says? I've lost count the number of times the word 'encourage' has appeared in the bible. (A search on bible gateway shows 59 results)
Been distracted lately by certain circumstances. Even though I know that things are unlikely to turn out right. And I have this feeling in my spirit that I'll get my heart torn again if I let myself fall in. But then again, its always easier said than done.
And again I look at the surface. And I remember what happened the last time. I'm behaving like I was never beaten down. Walking back into the lion's den like a foolish man.
She doesn't love my God as much as I do. She doesn't honor him like I do. She doesn't believe in Him like I do. She doesn't care about God like I do. And yet again, I'm walking this path without any earthly partner by my side. And I know its not the time now. Just because there isn't anyone as crazy about God as I am. And God... I'm laying down this desire. You know its for you. You know its difficult. You know the dreams that I've crucified. But I dare not claim that its a big deal. Nothing can compare to your Sacrifice. But remember me Lord. Remember me as I crucify the desires of my flesh.
3 weeks of being away from home... Its tiring but undeniably rewarding. I've learnt so much during this time. Things that I'm capable of, things I can improve and things that I just have to rely on God for.
No time to update... Bleah
::: Lyric of the Day :::
can't decide, then look at the faces
candlelight
we're burning the pages
but ask us why
and hurting ourselves with this false start
resign yourself
and always be (and we pretend)
without the one (it simply gets easier)
thing you need (but it doesn't get easier)
reading words with no replies
i wanted to mean everything to you
but this isn't right
you keep coming back disassembled and i
keep losing this fight
| emery - fractions |
MONDAY IN CHIANGMAI/BANGKOK
We had a time of encouragement before we flew back to Singapore. I was slightly disappointed at the things they said about me. Things like I was a good dancer, cool, willing to teach dance moves, etc... Very much things on the surface. Is that how I come across? Is that all people see me as?
Before that, Commandant Joseph knelt beside me after worship and prayed for me. This is a rough recollection of what he said.
A storm. You are about to walk into a storm. A storm which will challenge the way you think, the way you speak and the way you behave. You will be challenged spiritually, mentally, morally & physically. You have to ground yourself in the word. Let God drop an anchor in the bedrock of your heart. So you will not waver. You need to prepare yourself so that you become consistent.
There will be times when you are down and you will hear God speaking to you and comforting you. But there will be times when you won't hear anything. It doesn't mean He's not there. This is when you just have to cling to Him. this storm, this fire is a purifying process so that when you get out of it, He will be able to use you.
There is a group of people God wants you to reach. People who are not in the mainstream. People like yourself and if you're not ready, they will tear you apart.
Strong words. He was referring to army. But if my God is for me, who can be against me?
::: Verse of the Day :::
I, the LORD , have called you in righteousness; I will take hold of your hand.
I will keep you and will make you to be a covenant for the people and a light for the Gentiles, to open eyes that are blind, to free captives from prison and to release from the dungeon those who sit in darkness.
| Isaiah 42:6-7 |
SUNDAY IN CHIANGMAI
Am I hearing him right? He asked me to pray. Just pray...
This is what God said to me when Commandant Joseph asked us to ask God to give us our 'report card'
As always... My love for you never changes. I have shown you many things and you know what is needed. Be parallel with me. In line... You have been obedient and I am pleased. But you know there are things you have to work on. Old habits, runaway thoughts and emotions.
I've never been more glad thanduring the times you spend with me. Times like these. But I need you to do it more! There are things I can only tell you if you linger in me.
I love your dancing, your singing, your drumming. Your worship pleases me. But what pleases me most? Your desire to see people worship me in Spirit & in truth. Yes it does frustrate you. I can see. But remember I give the growth, I give the increase. You pray... Just pray for people to be stirred up. For people to be obedient to my calling. Your time is not here yet.
Here I am again, watching things happen... I want to play a part in it God. I don't want to be a bystander! Let me do your dirty work. But God says my work is prayer. There's something about prayer. You can't see the process. Maybe I have to put down this desire to have people recognising that I'm doing great works for Him.
As long as you think that prayer is a less important job, it'll remain that way.
My roomie Uncle Allan just encouraged me before he fell asleep. "Not many boys your age are so willing/ready to serve God. Most would be dreaming about making their first million."
I guess I'm different that way. I guess I see no point in working for things that are fruitless. Commandant Josepth was sharing with us that there are 3 things that have eternal value.
1) The word of God.
2) Our relationship with God
3) Our relationship with people
Forgive me if I don't view the world the way others do.
SATURDAY IN CHIANGMAI
God has shown me another aspect of Chiang Mai. We visited a home for young tribal girls, namely the Lahu. Their ages range from 3 - 15, I think. These girls are 'rescued' from their home villages before they can be sold into prostitution by their parents. So they receive food, lodging and an education.
We were meant to go there to minister to the children but I felt that through their dances & singing of the the girls that they ministered more to me. I was in tears when they were singing worship songs and doing the actions. First in Thai and then in English. It was really touching when you consider why they did it and the amount of practice they put into it. All for the glory of the same God we serve.
After this I looked and there before me was a great multitude that no one could count, from every nation, tribe, people and language, standing before the throne and in front of the Lamb. They were wearing white robes and were holding palm branches in their hands.
And they cried out in a loud voice:
"Salvation belongs to our God,
who sits on the throne,
and to the Lamb."
| Revelation 7:9-10 |
I long to be a worshipper along with people from all over the world. As I've mentioned before. Worship is our ultimate purpose. Missions are carried out to make sure God gets the utmost glory as mentioned in Revelations 7.
There is something I read in the bible which caught my attention. Isaiah 58:11 talks about being in a sun scorched land & having a thirst which the Lord would quench. Whereas in Revelation 7:16 it says that in that time we will never again thirst or hunger or feel the scorching heat from the sun. Thats what we're working towards, but for now we rely on Him.
::: Quote of the Day :::
Passion is the fuel
Calling the destination
The Holy Spirit is a guide
Equipping the vehicle
THURSDAY IN CHIANGMAI
I never want to grow tired of learning. (By tired, I mean sick of it) Its such a blessing to gain more knowledge and skills to help others. And its a greater blessing when God gives you a glimpse of what He wants to do with your life.
To date, I know that I have a passion for worship/music, a desire to be used by God (a dangerous man for Him), I've been called special in God's eyes (everyone is!), been envisioned with wings (to protect others) and been described as having a heart like David. I also see myself giving God glory on a stage. These are like many sides of a shape that God has planned for me to be. I've also found a burden in the form of the youth in Sanphranet Church. When Gloria & I met up with Henry's wife, Tuk, She was explaining how mentally and physically tired she was. She didn't have much help running the kindergarten. Then she told us about the youth who have stopped coming to church. It made me so sad, I felt tears well up in my eyes. I hope they didn't see me crying as I opened the church gate for them to drive out.
I see a need so clearly! But what can I do? How can I help in this area, Lord? What can I provide besides willingness? I DON'T WANT TO OFFER HELP & END UP BEING A LIABILITY... What about the equipping after my NS? Will it be too late then? These people need to know You more deeply! They need to know you better & more personally! The blessings, authority and the victory we have! They need to know that there's more to Christianity than sunday services and programs.
Dear Father, if this is your calling... If you placed this burden in my heart, You carry through and show me what I have to do for you. I know you won't let me wander aimlessly. You lead me on the path you've set out for me. Amen!
::: Quote of the Day :::
If God calls you to do something,
He will give you the necessary qualifications.
| Kenneth E. Hagin |
Bon Voyage
In a few hours I'll be off to the airport. Gonna meet some of the cell to stay overnight at the airport. Cos I have to be there at 6am tomorrow... Hopefully I'll be able to get enough rest tonight. Will continue to journal there as much as possible and upload it here when I get back. I don't know what to expect but I know it'll be more than I can imagine.
Dear God... There's something I should learn at this trip. I don't want to miss it. I want to put away all distractions for you. I want to put away all pride for you. My best for you, God... Cos you did the same for me. Amen.
Boot Camp Day 3
Sani prayed for me just now...
Joseph was asking those who might have a calling into full time ministry to come forward to be prayed for. Sani said he saw that I had a heart like David. I was stunned when I heard that cos David was the only man in the bible to be called a man after God's heart. Sani also encouraged me saying that God is not concerned about my ability but more on my availability. God would provide all I needed so I needn't worry. He spoke with a lot of compassion.
We went to Paya Lebar Methodist Church after lunch. Was quite tired and my body was aching because of the hard floor without a good sleeping bag. Had 3 runthroughs of the dedication service performance which included costume changes. Got a taste of what backstage would be like in Chiang Mai. Felt slightly apprehensive about what I was doing, the dances and all. Felt a little foolish cos I felt too old for this. But I will serve God the best I can. The performance went off quite smoothly. But i think the girls dances need more work. Its difficult cos of the technical movements but I'm sure it'll be a lot more beautiful if they pull it off...
Boot Camp Day 2
Its dinner time and I'm fasting and letting God speak to me. Was supposed to fast for lunch but I forgot about it because we were doing extra practice. Felt quite bad but the guys assured me it was fine if I changed it to dinner. Worship this morning was better. Commandant Joseph was leading and it was quite good.
I was really ministered to at the message and also at the ministry time afterwards. Sani (a full time missionary who doesn't have any income at all, doesn't beg or even ask for money.) spoke on God's compassion and testified what he had to go through at some mission trips. There was this trip where he went to this house which was sort of like a community centre. And he was describing to us how much the place stank. The stench was so great he had to sneak breaths outside the window. And so he was complaining to God how horrible it was and asking God why he was there when God spoke to him, 'Your sin smells worse'.
I think the whole room was hit hard by that line when we realised the totality of what it meant. The stench of sin was so unbearable to God, yet He came down as a man to save us. He laid down His right as God of the universe and became a mere man. What love is greater? Where can you find more compassion? I went up during ministry time and cried out to God. I was confessing to Him. I thought I had given a lot of myself already! But its so small compared to what God did for me. Of course nothing is too small to give. But its wrong when you think that you're good enough and you have the ability to give more yet you're not. And I wept so much when I realised how foolish I'd been. Here I am asking for more and yet I'm still holding back so much from Him. Decided to release my rights to Him as well...
I have found my weak point. My kryptonite, so to speak. Moonfaced girls. There's one here who's cute to the max. But my focus.... is on God. Not in unbelievably sweet looking, cheery, friendly girls! Did I mention she was cute and she looks good in a cheongsam? :p The dances are quite fun now. I've learnt a total of 3 items. I've nailed the sunday school rock item. The other two are quite easy. What I'm worried about is the line dancing item. Have trouble with that. But we'll be working on it tonight. Meaning we'll be sleeping much later.
Its now 1:10 in the morning. Just finished showering after extra dance practice. The line dance really has a lot of steps to remember. The positive comments and encouragements I got from people have been good. I think I 've found a hidden talent in dancing... :)
The Discipleship Training School (DTS) studentsare an inspiration as well as a testimony to God's goodness... I think I might like to join them after Rhema. Thats up to God though. Gotta sleep now. Hafta wake up by 8 am.
::: Word of the Day :::
focus
Boot Camp Day 1
This first day has been fun! Got to meet a lot of new people. It wasn't as tough as I had expected at first... But as tiredness sets in, I foresee certain problems over the next few days. But I thank God that in Psalms 29:11 it says, 'The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace. This is the same powerful God which the first part of the Psalm describes about clearly. Praise Him!
I got chosen to be front man for 'Sunday School Rock'. Its this rock and roll item and I'm supposed to be the 'teacher'. Have a few more things to remember than the others and I've got problems with the sequence but I'm sure, with practice, I'll be fine. Whistle just blew for dinner. Will be back to write more about where I'm sleeping and some of the people around.
Ok... Back for the night. Its quite a day for me. My least favourite time was the team session (a.k.a family sessions). Being team leader of a group of more experienced mission trippers isn't the easiest thing in the world. Especially since asking them to share about what they've learnt seems burdensome to them. Probably because they've learnt these things before. Or maybe because they were just tired. But other than that, people have been nice. Here they make it a point to encourage one another. One of the activities involves getting a piece of paper & asking people to write your positive characteristics. Some of the things people said about me was, 'A very easy person to talk to.', 'easy-going & friendly', 'eager to please God'.
Several people also said I'm cool. But I don't feel that cool is a characteristic. Why do I exude that? Is it really a quality?
One of the key rules of this camp is no Boy-Girl Relationships. Commandant Joseph said, 'this is not the place to find your life partner!'
Hahaha! I'm so sure I saw her here... :)
Its 11pm and the lights are out already... Writing this under torchlight. Its been a good day. Worship was especially meaningful although we took quite a while to get there.
Problem? Out of tune guitar & unconfident, monotonous drumming. Keyboards were a little sparse also. But we did get there. Was on my knees. God told me, "I'll be your light and lamp only if you let me"
I want to. I'm learning to. Just that I feel that whenever I fail, I have to start back at zero. When actually, the truth is I can get right back to beside Him on His throne. Hallelujah!
Its time to get some shuteye. Waking up at 7am tomorrow and this floor isn't making it any easier to sleep.
I'm off for the boot camp... Will be back on sunday evening. I'll miss Festival of Praise on Saturday. Unless by some divine intervention, we are allowed to go.
When the situation brings you to tears and you don't know why, you know you've got to leave it to God. Its at times like this that I really miss being with God, spending time with Him and just simply talking to Him. But its like I've put a massive barrier between us. Just my spoilt little self grabbing the steering wheel of the car again. Just my worldly self wanting to take control again. Thank you God for the awareness that I need you. Thank you that you've gotten every escape route covered. Thank you that, like Jonah, you'll never let me run far enough. I've got a feeling that these few days will be one heck of a learning experience. Whether its working with people or with myself, I want to do it right.
I miss you, Jesus...
I don't like the idea of running back to You ONLY when I have to face uncharted territory. Its not right. And yet, I know that its better to run back to you at these times rather than not at all. Help me stick with You. Cos I know thats what really will make things tick.
::: Verse of the Day :::
You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You.
Trust in the LORD forever, for in Yah, the LORD, is everlasting strength.
|Isaiah 26:3-4 (NKJV)|
Too many mind...
I woke up this afternoon with a decision to snap out of this 'mode'. I haven't been in the right frame of mind for about a week already. Too many distractions. Focused on the wrong things and made the wrong decisions. There's something about knowing its wrong... and still choosing to do it. You start to feel sick, stupid and idiotic.
Why God bothers to forgive us time and again is beyond me. But I'm glad He does. Gonna run a few errands today after lunch. Then I'm gonna come home and pack for the boot camp. It feels a whole lot better to be in the right frame of mind and to be in the right standing with God.
I realised I haven't blogged about the megapraise on saturday. It felt good to worship God again. But I must say that God was in our midst, despite the mad antics and 'zhao sias' now and then. My opinion was that the leaders could have been more spontaneous and outgoing in their worship. It was good all the same. God's presence was really strong. So strong that I was bent over in one of the songs. More, more, more of the same please...
Dear Lord, I'm looking forward to the boot camp tomorrow. God, help me to focus on the right things. Help me walk straight as I give myself to you. Use me mightily... Grant me favour with the people there, Lord.
Thank you that I have all I need to do your work and to serve you. Thank you for the strength, the joy, the patience and the obedience to be effective in this area. May all glory be given to you. Amen
The pointless-ness of life is again quashed by things done for others.
I woke up this morning relatively miserable so i decided to leave the house. Didn't want to be cooped up today. So I went for meepok with Matt and Ziig. Took an MRT down to serangoon cos I needed to hand in the photocopy of my passport. Didn't want Sylvia to bust an artery cos she was hounding me so much.
Tried to call Nurul and meet up with her to get my bible back but she's not answering or replying my smses. I was so near Sengkang MRT at that time. Sigh... Anyway, made my way to Plaza Singapura after that. Looked around in Trumpet Praise and Yamaha Music, my two favourite shops in Plaza Singapura... Treated myself to a high quality drumstick bag... Cheered me up somewhat. :p
Wanted to meet up with Lynette today. I dunno why I wanted to but I'm glad I did. Went down to city hall when she was still having bible study with Elissa. After that I acoompanied Lynette to KK Hospital to visit her ex-colleague and her 4 year old son. He was down with high fever and a bad cough. My heart went out to the poor boy. When I had the chance, I went beside the boy, laid my hand on his head and prayed for him. And when I was doing that, I started tearing because my heart went out to him. It was as if I could feel his unspoken pain. I've learnt something else about myself today.
Another clear example of the power of words.
You build people up with what you say. Especially when they are young. Take responsibility.
::: Quote of the Day :::
no one to attract now lah.
I didn't go to church today...
I woke up surprisingly unbelievably tired.
I feel vulnerable and exposed...
But I pray for the best.
I'm roused to write...
Today was interesting enough... I'm glad Andy called me out. Wouldn't want to spend the day at home again. Met him at orchard and had lunch at Burger King. We talked about a few things... The mission trip, the discipleship group, the GG meeting and other assorted topics. He's nice to talk to. Although I'm not super close to him, I find that I can trust him and be honest with him. Guess thats a sign of a good listener.
Anyway, after lunch we went to borders to browse while waiting for Wei Wen to pick us up. We went to the army market at beach road to look for backpacks... Found this shop that was given a really good price. But the downside was that we had to sit through a lecture/demonstration of the pros & cons each brand and type of bag. Wahahaha...
After the backpack shopping, I headed down to orchard (via super crowded MRT) to meet up with Joe, Gerald and Stefanie. We were supposed to meet to see this acoustic set at Library@Orchard. They weren't at all appealing but I liked the male vocals although it sounded a little forced. The band sounded a little nervous at first and they did come together after a few songs but they still lacked the energy and drive. Honestly, they looked bored and as if they didn't want to be there.
We left at 8 to have dinner before our movie at 8:45pm. We watched the day after tomorrow. Apocalyptic movie. Interesting effects but you could tell that the ideas were taken from movies like independence day, deep impact, vertical limit... But in the end, it was a good story... Had a cramp in my groin halfway through the movie though. Crushed my cup as a result. Luckily it was empty. :P
Gotta go sleep now. Badminton tomorrow and then going back to beach road to buy my bag with Gloria & Florence...
Amazing how one's actions can be affected by a single girl. I didn't actually do anything wrong but I could feel myself checking every action before I did it. For what? To give a good impression? I was playing soccer with her boyfriend for goodness' sake... I'm disgusted at myself.
The male human's mind is wonderfully complex in its simplicity. The basic instincts of human is to feed. When thats done, guess whats next on the male human's mind? Wahaha... its sad but true. Although we try to deny it, its there. We can ignore it by thinking or focusing on something else... Of course, theres a matter of how much or how little you want it to affect you. But its there. Its built in.
It would seem that guys would always be guys... But then how do you explain love? Where a human male,(given that he's faithful), is willing to sacrifice others to be with one. I think that in itself is an act of love. Cos it goes against the human male's instinct to 'spread his seed'. Incidently, the female human's instinct after feeding and reproducing is to protect her offspring. Hence the desire of women to want security and prosperity from their partners. Interesting how these instincts have stayed with us all these time.
I'll wait for you forever...
But now I'm just blabbering... I always called it love. But do I know what love really is? Or am I just confusing it with lust and desire? Then there's the fine line between love and stupidity. When does it stop being romantic and start being annoying or just plain ridiculous?
::: Quote of the Day :::
You'd sell your soul for him?
|daryl|
You'd sell your soul for her?
|God|
Going to the gym soon... Lynette was supposed to come with me but she forgot about it. Oh well, I'll just have to bring my discman then. Was supposed to wash the car earlier this afternoon but it started raining. I think I'll wash it tomorrow. Was reading The Body Thief by Anne Rice this afternoon when it started raining. Then I fell asleep...
Andy messaged me on ICQ telling me that he has a blog... He says he wants to link me if I have one. Thats just precious!! My mentor having access to my blog and me having access to my mentor's blog. Haha!! I'll probably will give it to him. But not so soon...
I wonder how someone like Andy will blog like... Will he be totally open? Or will he only write positive things? Or so that he doesn't lie, only blog when he's not down anymore, after he has dealt with it? Cos as a leader, he has to be accountable to what he writes right?
Sometimes, daryl, you really think too much. Its just a blog.
Which brings me to the topic of the XS website... There's a reason why I didn't like my course in IT. Because I didn't like IT. But since I'm the only one who has experience in IT, I've been assigned to do the XS Website. I will do it, just that I won't enjoy it at all... I'm not a designer. I can appreciate good designs and identify what goes into them. But I can't make them.
Gloria just smsed to remind us of MegaPraise this saturday. This has been quite the talking point for the last few weeks and I've been thinking alot about it. Am I just restricting God? Am I telling God who He can and cannot use? He used me didn't He? Hasn't that been how He has used me? Imperfect me? Why not them if they're willing? Why can't people be moved and touched by the Spirit? Don't let talent or the lack of it restrict God. Cos what God needs is obedience. And if He's called them, you jolly well support them all you can.
Spending the entire day in front of the computer doesn't bother me. That scares me... When I actually sit back and think of what I've achieved for today, I realise that i've hardly gotten off the computer chair except for meals and to go to the toilet. Can't be good... Been neglecting God too much these days too...
Went to watch Shrek 2 with Elissa... Funny show but almost spoilt by the guys beside me. Kept passing remarks during the show. I think one of the guys was just learning to read cos he was repeating aloud every word which appeared in the movie. Anyway, I checked out some backpacks in this shop in tampines mall... Need a 60 litre backpack for my trip to ChiangMai. Probably head down to beach road this friday with Gloria to look for some nice and more affordable ones. Most of them fall in the price range of $200-$300. This reminds me. I've gotta start writing a prayer newsletter for the church to pray for me and my trip.
Today I reminisced again. But only for awhile. If there needs to be a reason. Let this be it. I'm not ready and I'm not sure and I'm just not willing. I will not be half-hearted about this.
If I could just forget... If I could just change my perspective... If I could just have eyes wide shut...
::: Lyric of the Day :::
If it will never be the same
If purpose buried everyday
If lies that lead you to the grave
If some will say,
it will never be okay (And some will say)
if purpose buried everyday (And some will say)
If lies that lead you to the grave (And some will say)
your revolution is a joke
As I will say
|funeral for a friend - your revolution is a joke|
I just woke up and I'm tired... My muscles are aching from too much gym in Johor Bahru. Haha... The hotel was quite nice. Us guys got bumped up to the deluxe room cos the Hyatt people didn't have any normal rooms left for us. So that was a plus point. Spent Friday evening at the gym with Pat and Gloria before going to this hawker centre where a lot of Singaporeans go to eat. We had a feast which included Stingray, Crayfish, Chicken, Sweet and Sour Pork, Kailan and Fried Toufu.
Bought some VCDs and headed back to the hotel. We went to visit the hotel's bar where they were supposed to have a 'live' band. I think what they meant by 'live' was that the performers were alive. Cos the band was just keyboards and a laptop. And I think most of the music was programmed in the laptop. The singers were quite good but it was just lame because we expected a band..
So we left to got back to our room to watch the VCDs. I think I fell asleep during the 2nd half of Van Helsing... Cos I watched it before. Was awakened early in the morning by Dennis who was snoring in my ear!! So I decided to sleep on the floor. Went to the gym with Dennis and Pat again that morning. I think I ran close to 6km altogether. Did assorted weight lifting too... Its more fun to work out with friends...
Went to Holiday Inn Plaza for lunch and shopping after that... Had a craving for pizza so we went to Pizza Hut. Again we ate to our hearts content... Went to shop around. Ended up buying a few games and a pair of socks... Wanted to buy some clothes but everything there was either 'skate' or 'fake'.
Came back quite early on Sunday morning cos I had to play for service. Shared a 50 ringgit cab with Gloria back to Singapore. Had a MacDonalds breakfast before taking a train Eunos. Worship was quite good. Saw people kneeling and tearing. Its nice to know that you're being used by God to minister through music. Kim Leng's comment was that we were finally sounding like a band which is supposed to be a compliment I think. Heheh...
Had to leave for the mission trip briefing before service ended. My parents fetched Gloria and I to Paya Lebar Methodist. My general impression of the people organising the camp is that they know what they're doing. Found out more of what I'll be doing over in Chiang Mai... PERFORMING ARTS!!! Enjoyed the dancing. Really fun! Wished I'd joined 2 or 3 years before... I think I'm the oldest guy there. :P Nevermind...
Hmm... Lets see. Watched Troy yesterday. Quite a good show featuring lots of beautiful men... Brad Pitt, Orlando Bloom, Eric Bana... As usual, they made Brad Pitt out to be the super cool one. Just too fantastic.
Blogs are funny things... They can really get you in trouble. I'm not just referring to myself here... Many people I know have stopped blogging because of this. But then again isn't it where you can journal thoughts and feelings freely? Once again, I can't help but think back on all my posts... Have I been judgemental in my posts? Have I offended anyone without knowing? Would I change the way I write even though I knew certain people were reading? I might have already done so... even though I claim that I try not to. So you try to strike a balance of how much to reveal and how much to hide. But for me, I'm tired of hiding... I grew tired of living 2 lives about three years ago... So I decided to get rid of the one that I had to hide. There are things that are better left unsaid though for the sake of others. Just another thought... If Christians can't be honest and speak in love to one another, who can?
I always feel that people are free to write and think what they want. Cos in the end, the truth will reveal itself. So it doesn't matter what people think. You do what is right, live right and bad first impressions will fly out the window. But here's a hint? If a few people are saying the same thing about you, you might consider reflecting before you question why they said it... Same thing goes for the way they said it. I consider it a blessing to have feedback, whatever kinds, cos they help you gauge yourself.
Went to get my jabs yesterday... For the whole of yesterday, my arm was feeling super numb. Even dropped the newspaper I was holding without realising it. :P The worst thing is that the 2 jabs cost 90 bucks... God, thank You for supplying all my needs...
Getting prepared for the Mission trip to Chiang Mai... Gonna make payments tomorrow and then head down to Tan Tock Seng hospital with Gloria to get Hepatitis and Malaria jabs.
Watched Singapore S-league All-Stars play Selangor MPPJ FC on sunday. Went with Gerald, Jeremy & Thomson. Enjoyed it but was left really tired after the match. Think it was because of the worship practice before that. Saw Sheik Heikel and Annabelle Francis too... Heikel was hilarious. He kept urging the players to 'kick the face!!!'
Dear God... I want you to provide. I want to start of this journey on a positive note. One that can assure me that you WILL take care of me for the rest of my life. I don't think its pride, Lord. Just like brother Andrew, there is the 'royal way' and I want to use it... And as always, for my good and Your glory... Amen
Something to look forward to... I'm considering signing up as crew just to help out... although I'd prefer to sign up with friends.
Went for the SCGS choir concert post production party. Was quite fun to joke around with Jon and Joel. I was observing the way some girls behave and I realise that most of them don't change much as I thought when they get out of secondary school and head into JC. They still talk the same way and act the same way. Why do I feel that there's such a big change when they hit 17 or 18 years old? They behave the same way, but there is a change in mentality maybe? A reaction to realisation of the world?
Thoughts. What I would give to know them. And yet knowing would most certainly hurt.
::: Lyric of the Day :::
There's a silent urge to leave this cloud when all I want is to hear the sound,
Of your voice devoid of the constant noise, the only sound to fill this void.
And do you want this. And do you still need this.
Like modern morbid prophecies fulfilled.
Like biting on these bitter tasting pills.
And we're just heroes, And we're just heroes.
They all won't love me, she won't let me forget.
Don't make me choose, I'll choose you and this will all be over.
|dead poetic - modern morbid prophecies|
Bible study with Gerald tomorrow. Just something I threw together from the material that Andy passed me...
Importance of Words
Matthew 12:37
33"Make a tree good and its fruit will be good, or make a tree bad and its fruit will be bad, for a tree is recognized by its fruit. 34You brood of vipers, how can you who are evil say anything good? For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. 35The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in him, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in him. 36But I tell you that men will have to give account on the day of judgment for every careless word they have spoken. 37For by your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned."[NIV]
>> What we say makes or breaks us, heals us or makes us sick.
>> Words can destroy us or make us full of life, happiness and health
Example: (John 10:10)
10The thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance (to the full, till it overflows). [AMP]
Mark 11:23
23For assuredly, I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, "Be removed and be cast into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that those things he says will be done, he will have whatever he says. 24Therefore I say to you, whatever things you ask when you pray, believe that you receive them, and you will have them. [NKJV]
>> Words are important, even when we receive salvation
>> Whoever - Anyone who asks. Its our choice
>> Whatever - Anything is possible
Example: (Mark 9:23)
23" 'If you can'?" said Jesus. "Everything is possible for him who believes."
24Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"
>> It seems that God is waiting for our faith!
Romans 10:9-10
9That if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. 10For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved.
Hebrews 11:6
6And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.
Romans 10:17
17Consequently, faith comes from hearing the message, and the message is heard through the word of Christ.
>> The words you say identify you
>> The words you speak set the boundaries of your life.
>> The words you speak affect your Spirit (your inward man).
So what are some examples of things we just need to believe we have and speak them out
>> Fear, worry
>> Inability to forgive, love etc
>> Pessimism
>> Our health, our emotions etc
Application: Be sure of the promises of God before you can have faith in it. It is impossible to believe in things you aren’t sure about. We are what God says we are, we can do what God says we can do and we have what God says we have.
Blogger has gotten a new look. How interesting... Looks brighter now.
Spent the last 2 days & nights at Song's Chalet... Kinda boring because there was very few people who went. But at least we had time to bond. Most of the time was spent lazing around, eating, drinking, watching TV listening to music, playing with the karaoke mike and sleeping.
Spent the whole of today at Paya Lebar Methodist Church. I'm attending the Purpose Driven Youth Ministry Seminar there... It started at 8:30am and ended at 5:45pm. Super long day! And tomorrow I have to go through it all again.
Was talking to God when I was walking home from the busstop just now. Was telling Him that I wanted to be used by Him. A vessel shaped by Him to be used by Him more effectively. I told Him I didn't want to be held back. I didn't want to be in sin or held back by it. I don't want to be distracted by these yearnings of the flesh or the mind. And I thanked Him that I didn't have to... I thanked Him that I can become someone strong and stable in Him. I thanked Him for providing for me. Thanked Him because He would be faithful to me both now and in the future.
Then your light shall break forth like the morning, Your healing shall spring forth speedily, And your righteousness shall go before you; The glory of the LORD shall be your rear guard.
...if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in the darkness, and your night will become like the noonday.
The LORD will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.
| Isaiah 58:8, 10, 11 |
There you have it... God's called me to go Chiang Mai. No running from it. I wasn't the most enthusiastic about it. I think my sister was more excited about my decision than me. She was jumping around the choir room. Its funny how God needs to tell you something urgently... Just right in your face. Which isn't something to be proud of... In fact, I'm quite ashamed that it happened like this. I haven't been reading the bible much these few days.
Played drums for the last part of service today because Gerald had to leave at that time. Managed to play properly I think... Was a bit uncomfortable with Reverend George Ong shouting through the drum monitors. The volume was already turned up quite loud!!! Had to play with my head turned to one side... :P
Decided to pop down for practice after lunch. Band 2 needed a bassist but I can't play bass so I was supposed to play drums while Jeremy Wee played the bass... But in the end I decided that I would play guitar, Thomson would play the bass and Jeremy would stick with the drums. Seemed to be the best combination. Practice was quite lively and enjoyable. :D
Slacked around the musicians area for quite awhile before heading down to Blooie's with Jeremy Gan. Had wonderful 13 dollar burgers and a glass of beer. Then headed down to The Cheesecake Cafe to visit Rachelle. She was acting...... odd. Haha! Slakced there with Xiong and Dennis till 9:30pm.
In closing...
Sometimes you wish and you plead with chance to make things happen... But chance plays no part in the path God planned for you... And He reminds you that you are blameless in His sight. He chooses not to look at them and not to harp on them. But there will always be consequences and repercussions. You have to accept them for the mistakes you've made.
The exam results are out... I passed everything. Thank God...
****************************************
EXAM RESULTS FOR 0003152F
CMSK4: B
ENMM: C
BBMMP (Major Project) : C
MBDP (Mobile Programming) : B
RESULT: P
****************************************
You've run so long and so hard. You gave it all you had at the last lap. And at what you think is the end of the race, you see people getting warmed up for the next event... Nothing has changed. You've not gotten out of the water, you've just barely stayed afloat. Whats the point of studying? Getting a diploma? Getting a job? Working for the next two thirds of your life? Its basically keeping yourself occupied while waiting for death isn't it?
But thats not what you feel when you're having fun? Its only when you're lonely and bored that you start to think of all these things? So whats the remedy? Occupy yourself so that you have no time to think. Busy yourself each hour of the day so that when you finish one task the other starts. Even better if you can have the new task come before you finish the one you're currently doing. This way you can be sure that there are no thoughts that can sneak through. Make sure you exhaust yourself during the course of the day too... So that you're out once your head hits the pillow...
But sooner or later... You've got to realise that you can't keep doing that. You can't keep ignoring the inevitable... Cos whether you choose to or not, questions will come. For me I think I know whats the matter... Life has its highs and lows... When its low, I try to spend more time with God. Then when its high, everything's great and you sort of neglect reading the Word. I lose 'momentum'. Not that I don't talk to God or I ignore Him completely. Just that my 'feeding' ceases. And then I run out of fuel...
I'm so afraid of change... So afraid of mistakes. But I know who's carrying me through. Cos I've gone through change before. Its not so bad... Because there's a hope that drives me forward. This fear is like a handbrake thats not released. You are going somewhere. but not as fast or as efficiently as you could.
Brand New Band!!!
This week hasn't been as boring as I expected but I could be doing more. Went to watch Van Helsing on Monday with Dale, Yvette and Gerald. Dale & Yvette won a pair of tickets each (They're so lucky) to the Gala premiere of the movie. Dale asked me if I wanted the ticket and asked if I had anyone to call along... Called Gerald since he doesn't have to stay in camp. The movie was good... 2 hours of non-stop, jam-packed action. Its been very long since any movie had me this close to the edge of my seat. Walked out of the theatre with a buzz in my head cos I had watched Vanilla Sky the night before and Resident Evil again that very afternoon.
Had lunch with Matt on Monday & Tuesday. Discussed about music and new songs for the band. Made me want to go jamming again. Watched Win a Date with Tad Hamilton with Elissa after lunch... Not a bad show. But unrealistic like every other romantic comedy. After that went down to TP to play soccer with some school friends. That was really fun.
My poem got selected for the semifinals of the Poetry.com contest. I get US$1000 if I win. And they want to publish my poem in a book called Eternal Portraits. Its a coffee table sort of book. I don't get anything for that publication though. Have to buy it. I hope I win...
Is it so hard to see? Is it so hard to admit that you're wrong?
But she started it!
And you continue it... You should know better right? Why not be mature and take the first step to trying to make things better... Or would you rather ignore things and let them get worse. Seems easier to ignore wouldn't it? But in life, there are some people you can't get rid off. Stanley's teaching comes to mind. Submit to authority. Whether the authority is qualified or not. As long as you know that it isn't against the word of God. Submit!
Yes, easy for you to say... You've never gone through it. You won't understand.
You may be right... I probably don't. Carry on living the way you want... Don't listen to me. What could I, daryl, possibly know? What could I have gone through that could give me the slightest idea?
Do you think I have never gone through circumstances that have required me to bite my lip and whisper a prayer in my heart not to hate anyone? Do you think I've never had to exercise patience and carry on socialising with a brother or sister in Christ? Or maybe I have it easy because I'm the youngest or because I'm born in a Christian family. Do you think its easier? No! I have to go through it the same! I have to learn not to talk back or roll my eyes. I have to learn to forgive, give in and give away. I'm not saying I've mastered it. I'm saying I'm learning just like anyone else. If you do not want to hear me out then its not my problem already.
::: Quote of the Day :::
"You will never understand..."
The Visits
